why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
