just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
