I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
