He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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