The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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