The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
