im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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