dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
