my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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