i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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