i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
