I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
