those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
