i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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