I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize