I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
