I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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