It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My liver is preforming stress tests.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
