I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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