Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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