I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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