You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
