Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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