we have pet lesbian snakes
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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