Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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