You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
