I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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