i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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