You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
