He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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