whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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