broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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