i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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