My room smells like vodka and shame
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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