I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
