So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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