As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
