I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
