Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
