meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
