If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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