Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize