nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
