there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
