Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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