I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
