This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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