oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
