She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize