were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
