Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize