Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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