i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
