Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
