dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
