the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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