Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
