Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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