apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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