my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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